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Death and Taxes |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Wednesday, 17 September 2008 |
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed, good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave i t to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no man had ever come back two nights in a row -
too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still
$5,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they
went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded
that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the
man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you
from?"
The man replied, " South Dakota .."
"Really!" she said. "I have family in South Dakota ."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Positive Sign of Global Warming |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Tuesday, 16 September 2008 |
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A Simple Explanation of Baseball |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Tuesday, 16 September 2008 |
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in, sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out. If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they get in before they get out it does count.
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those going in out before they get in without being out.
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before they get in without being out.
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team has more in without being out before coming in.
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Lie Detecting Robot |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Monday, 15 September 2008 |
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.
It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.
"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.
"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.
"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."
"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie," said Tommy.
"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.
"The Ten Commandments," answered Tommy.
The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.
With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."
"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."
The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.
Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"
With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
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