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Irish Jokes |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Monday, 07 April 2008 |
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box ."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,
"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and as ked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,
I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins? "
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."
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History Lesson |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Thursday, 13 March 2008 |
Who said it?
1) "We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
A. Karl Marx
B. Adolph Hitler
C. Joseph Stalin
D. None of the above
2) "It's time for a new beginning, for an end to government of the few, by the
few, and for the few...... And to replace it with shared responsibility for shared
prosperity."
A. Lenin
B. Mussolini
C. Idi Amin
D. None of the Above
3) "(We) ...can't just let business as usual go on, and that means something
has to be taken away from some people."
A. Nikita Khrushev
B. Josef Goebbels
C. Boris Yeltsin
D. None of the above
4) "We have to build a political consensus and that requires people to give up
a little bit of their own ... in order to create this common ground."
A. Mao Tse Dung
B. Hugo Chavez
C. Kim Jong Il
D. None of the above
5) "I certainly think the free-market has failed."
A. Karl Marx
B. Lenin
C. Molotov
D. None of the above
6) "I think it's time to send a clear message to what has become the most
profitable sector in (the) entire economy that they are being watched."
A. Pinochet
B. Milosevic
C. Saddam Hussein
D. None of the above
Scroll down for answers
Answers
(1) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/29/2004
(2) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 5/29/2007
(3) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(4) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(5) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 6/4/2007
(6) D. None of the above. Statement was made by Hillary Clinton 9/2/2005
Be afraid, Be very afraid!!
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Health Plan |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Thursday, 13 March 2008 |
A WEALTHY HOSPITAL BENEFACTOR WAS BEING SHOWN AROUND THE HOSPITAL WHEN DURING HER TOUR,
SHE PASSED A ROOM WHERE A MALE PATIENT WAS MASTURBATING FURIOUSLY. "OH MY GOD SCREAMED THE WOMAN, "THAT'S DISGRACEFUL! WHY IS HE DOING THAT??"
THE DOCTOR WHO WAS LEADING THE TOUR CALMLY EXPLAINED, "I'M VERY SORRY THAT YOU WERE EXPOSED TO THAT, BUT THIS MAN HAS A SERIOUS CONDITION WHERE HIS TESTICLES RAPIDLY FILL WITH SEMEN, AND IF HE DOESN'T DO THAT AT LEAST 5 TIMES A DAY, HE'LL BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND HIS TESTICLES COULD EASILY RUPTURE."
"OH WELL, IN THAT CASE, I GUESS IT'S OK," COMMENTED THE WOMAN.
IN THE VERY NEXT ROOM, A MALE PATIENT WAS LYING IN BED AND IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT A NURSE WAS PERFORMING ORAL SEX ON HIM. AGAIN, THE WOMAN SCREAMED, "OH MY GOD!! HOW CAN THAT BE JUSTIFIED?"
AGAIN THE DOCTOR SPOKE VERY CALMLY,
"SAME ILLNESS, BETTER HEALTH PLAN."
So, What card is in YOUR wallet?
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