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White Stilettos |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Friday, 12 September 2008 |
Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of. The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500 a pair. The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.
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Dealing With Women |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Friday, 12 September 2008 |
Here it is finally explained.
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.
Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
* You make the bed.....+1
* You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
* You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
* You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
* You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty.....0
* When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
* When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.... -2
* You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
* In the snow .....+8
* But return with beer.....-5
* And no liners.....-25
* You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
* You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
* It's her cat.....-40
AT THE PARTY
* You stay by her side the entire party.....0
* You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old
* drinking buddy.....-2
* Named Tiffany.....-4
* Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
* With breast implants.....-18
HER BIRTHDAY
* You remember her birthday.....0
* You buy a card and flowers.....0
* You take her out to dinner.....0
* You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
* Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
* And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
* It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
* painted the colors of your favorite team -10
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
* Go with a pal.....0
* The pal is happily married.....+1
* The pal is single.....-7
* He drives a Ferrari.....-10
* With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
* You take her to a movie.....+2
* You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
* You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
* You take her to a movie you like.....-2
* It's called Death Cop III.....-3
* Which features Cyborgs that crush human skulls.....-9
* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
YOUR PHYSIQUE
* You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
* You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
* You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts.....-30
* You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
THE BIG QUESTION
* She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
* You hesitate in responding.....-10
* You reply, "Where?".....-35
* You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".....-100
* Any other response.....-20
COMMUNICATION
* When she wants to talk about a problem:
* You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
* You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
* You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
* Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying, "...well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
* You have fallen asleep.....-200
IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
* You talk.....-100
* You don't talk.....-150
* You spend time with her......-200
* You don't spend time with her.....-500
* You seem to be enjoying yourself..-1000
GAME OVER. YOU LOSE.
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Variations of "The Shocker" |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Friday, 12 September 2008 |
Most people are familiar with "The Shocker" or it's common aka "2 in the pink, 1 in the stink." However, here are some more aka's:
2 in the curtain, 1 for the hurtin'
2 in the front, 1 in the shunt
2 in the fun, 1 in the bun
2 going down, 1 in the brown
2 in the Red, 1 in the Shed(if that time of the month)
2 for the gish, 1 for the fish
2 in the gash, 1 in the stash
2 for the crack, 1 in the back
2 in the slit, 1 in the shit
2 for the taco, 1 for her Paco
2 in the door, 1 on the floor
2 in the door, 1 in the gore
2 for the friend, 1 in the end
2 in the cunt, 1 in the runt
2 for the moose, 1 in the caboose
2 for the beav, 1 up her sleeve
2 for the meat, 1 in her seat
2 in the flap, 1 in the crap
2 in the gear, 1 in the rear
2 for the pumper, 1 for the dumper
2 for the tube, 1 with some lube
2 in the cunt, 1 in the grunt
2 in the sock, 1 for the shock
2 in the junk, 1 in the trunk
2 in the girl, 1 in the swirl
2 in the skunk, 1 in the funk
2 in the zipper, 1 in the flipper
2 in the place, 1 in the ace
2 in the cootie, 1 in the booty
2 in the porn, 1 for the corn
2 for the push (gush), 1 for the tush
2 in the pink slot, 1 in the stink pot
2 in the juice, 1 in the caboose
2 in the poon, 1 on the moon
2 up the river, 1 to make you shiver
2 in the hinge, 1 makes you cringe
2 from the hand, 1 for the gland
2 for the stabbin, 1 for the cabin
2 in the muff, 1 in the stuff
2 in the play, 1 in the gay
2 in the chute, 1 in the poot
2 for her, 1 for me!! Gross!!
2 in the pocket, 1 in the chocolate
2 for the Kitty, 1 in the Shitty
2 in the cherry, 1 in the fairy
2 for the team, 1 in the steam
And finally,...One of our personal favorites:
2 IN THE PLEASURE, 1 IN THE TREASURE!!!
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18th Birthday Story |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Friday, 12 September 2008 |
Today my baby girl's 18th birthday. I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all those damn payments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl walk through my door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the spression on yo face.
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