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The Convict |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Tuesday, 21 October 2008 |
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain: do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. The guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey, I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!'
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Fearless Biker |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Friday, 17 October 2008 |
A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his motor cycle, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A NY Times reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times , you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride and what political affiliation do you have?"
"A Harley Davidson and I am a Republican. "
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
"BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."
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Guts or Balls |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Thursday, 16 October 2008 |
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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Three Black Men |
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Submitted by HalfAsser
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Wednesday, 15 October 2008 |
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink Willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink Willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.'
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'
'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple.
'Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replied. 'In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.'
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